Lonely Lullaby
by sunsoara
Summary: A roll of thunder startled the man on the couch out of his daydream. The golden light in his mind was replaced by the gloom of the overcast sky outside. Warmth of the man he cherished most in the world evaporated as his memories faded back into reality. The song echoed in his head, mocking the quiet emptiness of the room.


_A/N: The tags are dark I know, but I SWEAR there is a HAPPY ENDING to this story! I may drag these characters through angst but I can't leave them there. I love them too much to be able to do it._

Song lyrics are from Lonely Lullaby by Owl City - with a few tiny modifications to fit the story :) I could literally map out this entire story in my head every time I listened to this song. It wouldn't go away until I wrote it.

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Yuri on Ice, Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri Katsuki, etc._

 _Pairings: Yuuri (Yuri) Katsuki/Victor (Viktor) Nikiforov – NOTE: using spelling Victor for this story_

 _ **WARNINGS: Contains BoyxBoy, Fluff, ANGST, Major character death (Sort of), Suicide (sort of), HAPPY ENDING (I SWEAR) - DON'T LIKE? DON'T READ**_

NOTE: _ **Bold Italics**_ are song lyrics. _italics_ are memories/dreams

* * *

 **Lonely Lullaby**

 **By SunSoara**

* * *

 _ **Symphony**_  
 _ **Of silver tears**_  
 _ **Sing to me**_  
 _ **And soothe the ring in my ears**_

The apartment was dark. It was always dark now. Even during nights with the lights on in every room and during days when the St. Petersburg sun streamed its golden rays through the floor to ceiling windows of the high-rise living space. Dust accumulated on unused surfaces, the current occupant having no need for anything but the basics. There was garbage haphazardly flung across table tops, half eaten mealtimes left to the elements.

Sometimes he wondered why the food was still there and not being devoured by a fluffy four-legged creature. Then he would remember that Makka was no longer with him, old age catching up to his adorable poodle. Victor had wept for his lost companion, but he had not been alone. His Yuuri had been there to support him through the loss.

Yuuri.  
His beautiful Yuuri.

Sobs choked out of a throat too raw to produce such painful sounds. The figure wrapped in a blanket on the couch hunched in on itself as the painful memories flooded him once again. Victor's cheeks were stained with dried tear tracks. The buzzing, haunting silence broken by the sounds of agony escaping his lips.

 _ **Overcast**_  
 _ **These gloomy nights wear on**_  
 _ **But I'm holding fast**_  
 _ **Cause its darkest just before the dawn**_

He had lost any sense of time. Days, weeks, months. Victor had no idea how long it had been since fate had taken away his life and love. He had tried to stay strong afterwards, falling into his mask he had honed during his years as a skater.

It just hurt too much.

Victor tiredly lifted his head to look out the windows. The weather mirrored his soul, clouds thick and heavy with rain just waiting to pour from the heavens. He envied the clouds, he had run out of tears to cry now so all he could feel was the hollow emptiness inside.

Victor yawned, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. When was the last time he slept? Does passing out on the couch from exhaustion count? He glanced at the bedroom door, a lump forming in his throat and a knot clenching his stomach. Victor couldn't do it, he had not slept in their bed since he lost him.

The soft sheets, the smell of soap, sunlight, and his Yuuri, the warmth of his body would no longer be there.

 _ **I sang my prince fast asleep**_  
 _ **Cause he was my dream come true**_  
 _ **Oh Yuuri, believe me, I loved you**_

" _Yuuuuri… my sweet solnyshko_ _," Victor murmured softly in his beloved's ear. It was their day off and he had Yuuri all to himself in their overly large bed. Golden sunbeams danced across Yuuri's flawless skin as he was still caught between his dreams and starting a new day._

 _Victor held him tight, his arms wrapped protectively around his greatest treasure. Yuuri's back was a warm weight against his chest, their legs tangled together in the sheets. This was heaven and Victor had to be the luckiest man on earth._

 _He smiled against Yuuri's neck, happiness swelled inside him, ready to burst from every pore of his body. Victor started to hum, a Russian lullaby he heard as a child._

 _Yuuri stirred at the rumbling of Victor's chest and the puffs of air on the back of his neck. "Vitya?" he mumbled tiredly._

" _Shhhh, my dorogoy, it is still early. Go back to sleep." Victor gently kissed the skin under his lips before picking up where he left off in the lullaby, this time with whispered words being sung in his native tongue._

 _Yuuri sighed in contentment, burying himself into the solidness of Victor and dozing off into slumber. Victor smiled at the man in his arms as he continued to sing. Yuuri was his everything and life was perfect._

 _ **But now those lonely lullabies**_  
 _ **Just dampen my tired eyes**_  
 _ **Because I can't forget you**_  
 _ **Because I can't forget you**_

 _ **I'll dissolve when the rain pours in**_  
 _ **When the nightmares take me**_  
 _ **I will scream with the howling wind**_  
 _ **Cause it's a bitter world**_  
 _ **And I'd rather dream**_

A roll of thunder startled the man on the couch out of his daydream. The golden light in his mind was replaced by the gloom of the overcast sky outside. Warmth of the man he cherished most in the world evaporated as his memories faded back into reality. The song echoed in his head, mocking the quiet emptiness of the room.

His shoulders sagged as another rumble of thunder broke the trance. Tears gathered at the corners of his eyes as Victor tried to hold onto the vision. He wanted to remember Yuuri the way he was that day, full of happiness, content in the love they shared.

But it was all memories now, ones that would fade over time as the years passed by. There would be no new ones. Nothing to add to his collection of times he would just stop in the middle of doing something to admire the man that was Yuuri Katsuki. Or all the little private moments they had shared together.

Dark thoughts swam to the front, blocking out the sweet memories. "No…no…no…" Victor repeated like a mantra, his voice raspy and weak from lack of use. He screamed in his mind, begged it not to relive the day his world changed.

He clutched at his matted, unkempt silver hair. Yuuri, beautiful, sweet, wonderful Yuuri. He grasped for the good times, something to anchor him, to prevent him from being swallowed by the darkness. Victor was tired, so very tired.

 _ **Dizzy love**_  
 _ **Turned us starlilly pink**_  
 _ **And hung above our lids too flushed to blink**_  
 _ **But icy blue froze the fairytale cold**_  
 _ **Though I treasured you**_  
 _ **And you sparkled with someone to hold**_

 _Yuuri was the most amazing man he had ever met. He was his guiding light, his shining star, his home, his love._

 _That would probably be why he married him._

 _Victor spun Yuuri in his arms, his smile so wide his cheeks hurt. They were dancing at their wedding, the crisp white suits and glittering gold bands were nothing compared to the way Yuuri glowed. He was an ethereal being, too good for mere mortals to look upon. Yet here he was and Victor had no idea how he got so lucky._

 _Yuuri laughed, kissing Victor with lips that tasted like honey, "What has you so deep in thought Vitya?"_

 _Victor dipped Yuuri at the end of the song, kissing him again before answering, "Just trying to figure out what in the world I did to deserve you, moya lyubov."_

 _Yuuri blushed the most beautiful shade of pink as Victor placed him back on the floor, "I love you,"_

 _Victor's heart soared, those three words coming from Yuuri's lips would never cease to make his pulse quicken. He leaned in, touching his forehead to Yuuri's and closing his eyes, "I love you."_

 _When his eye lids opened again he no longer had Yuuri in his arms. He was standing in his apartment. It was early, the sky barely lit and snow falling in a blanket of white. Everything was silent except the beating of Victor's heart._

 _He turned, taking in the scene, the familiarity of it. His attention was diverted to their bedroom door as Yuuri walked out, dressed in a track suit for his morning jog. Everything was silent, the footfalls of his love, the jangle of the house keys, and the rustle of his jacket as he sipped it on against the biting cold that would surely encase him as he stepped out of the protective warmth of their living space._

 _Victor screamed. He cried, shouted. Begged. He couldn't move as he watched Yuuri turn, the man's lips forming words he couldn't hear through the pounding of his heart. It didn't matter if he was deaf to the sound because those words were burned into his very soul._

" _It's ok, Vitya. You need some rest after your trip. It's just a quick run and I'll be back soon. I love you."_

 _Victor howled, his feet not responding to his desperation to stop Yuuri from leaving out their front door. All he could do was scream until his throat was raw as he watched Yuuri depart._

 _It would be the last time he would see Yuuri alive._

 _On his run, a car would swerve out of control on the bridge along one of their favorite paths. It would hit Yuuri, both falling into the icy waters. That day he would lose the jewel of his life._

 _ **I sang my prince fast asleep**_  
 _ **Cause he was my dream come true**_  
 _ **Oh Yuuri, believe me, I loved you**_

 _ **But now those lonely lullabies**_  
 _ **Just dampen my tired eyes**_  
 _ **Because I can't forget you**_  
 _ **Because I can't forget you**_

 _ **I'll dissolve when the rain pours in**_  
 _ **When the nightmares take me**_  
 _ **I will scream with the howling wind**_  
 _ **Cause it's a bitter world**_  
 _ **And I'd rather dream**_

Victor awoke, bones aching, his head pounding against his skull. The dream surfaced into his consciousness and he choked on a sob. Why couldn't he stay with his Yuuri in his dreams? Why must the nightmare invade the light that would always radiate from any thought that revolved around Yuuri?

Rain poured down outside as the melody of his sung lullaby mockingly repeated over and over in his mind. Victor rose from the couch, tears trailing down his face. His feet took him to the floor to ceiling windows, hollow eyes looked out into the grey skyline of the city.

He could see his reflection in the glass, a broken man. Yuuri would have fought, heatbroken like Victor, but he wouldn't look like Victor did now. The man could be nothing but beautiful.

But then again, Yuuri wouldn't have let Victor go alone. Yuuri wouldn't have cared that his flight was delayed, that he arrived home late, and that, as tired as he had been, he had made sweet, gentle love to the man he was married to.

If their roles had been reversed, he would have gone on that run with Victor. Yuuri would have been there with him when the car hit that patch of ice and sent them to the watery depths of that frozen river.

Instead, Victor had stayed in, snuggled into their bed, Yuuri's pillow smelling of lavender shampoo and the ocean breeze of Hatsetsu. Sleeping without a care in the world until his phone roused him with its blaring ring and the world he loved crumpled beneath his feet.

The last small glimmer left Victor's eyes, his body turning from his reflection as he tossed the blanket back onto the couch. His feet propelled him to their door, not bothering with shoes or a jacket. There was no one that stopped him as he rode the elevator to the lobby in his sweat pants and t-shirt.

Rain soaked him to the bone as he stood outside in the fresh air. How many days had it been since he had seen the outside of the apartment? It didn't matter anymore. Victor was on his way to Yuuri. It had been far too long and he missed his smiling face.

Victor's feet slapped against the stone as he jogged along their familiar running path. He didn't know why he had made Yuuri wait so long, his pace quickening as he dreamed of Yuuri's arms holding him tight, his lips against his skin.

 _ **I'll dissolve when the rain pours in**_  
 _ **When the nightmares take me**_  
 _ **I will scream with the howling wind**_  
 _ **Cause it's a bitter world**_  
 _ **And I'd rather dream**_

He arrived at the river, clothes and hair plastered to his body and his breath heaving through his chest. Victor clutched the railing, the water flowing beneath his feet. The wind howled as the rain streamed down in even greater quantities. It was as if nature herself was urging Victor to turn back.

But Victor was too far gone in his dream, the memories of the man who brought true happiness to his life. The man who saw all the flaws within him and embraced every one of them. Yuuri, who unconditionally loved him.

Victor didn't hesitate as he swung over the railing, sinking into the waters of the river that took his husband from him

 _ **And I'd rather dream**_

Water surrounded him, filling his lungs, as the darkness approached. Yuuri? Where was his Yuuri?

He flailed against the current but it was no use, a body too weak to fight. It was so cold, so black. Victor felt his eyes close but he couldn't really tell in the inky abyss.

That was when he heard the most beautiful sound.

"Vitya?"

Victor opened his eyes and was almost blinded by the light. Yuuri was there, floating in front of him, as radiant as ever with light haloing him. He smiled, his eyes soft and full of love. Victor felt tears leave his eyes and mix with the water surrounding him.

"Vitya? I've been waiting so long. It's time to come home." Yuuri reached out a hand in offering and Victor swiftly took the soft, delicate fingers into his own.

 _ **Yuuri  
I'll never forget you**_

 _ **Yuuri**_  
 _ **Remember me**_  
 _ **I'll never forget you**_

"Vitya?"

"Vitya…please wake up my love… I miss you so much."

He heard a sniffle, felt dampness drop onto the back of his hand. Yurri was crying? Why was Yuuri crying? Victor struggled opening his eyes to the view of Yuuri's bowed head. He was clutching Victor's hand, the soft evening rays outlined Yuuri's shaking silhouette.

He assessed his surroundings quickly. Definitely a hospital but he couldn't remember why he was here. The last thing he remembered was taking his beloved husband on a picnic near the river. He had been driving but everything else was a blur.

Victor's gaze fell on Yuuri, still crying next to him. He had to fix that. Flexing his fingers he squeezed the hand that was holding his. Yuuri gasped, head snapping up and chocolate brown eyes, swimming behind puddles of water, locked onto his.

"VITYA!" screeched the younger man before he draped himself into Victor's chest in a hug.

Victor tried to chuckle but his dry lips and throat protested and he started coughing instead.

"OH! Here...," Yuuri released him and poured him some water, adding a straw before offering it to Victor's lips.

Victor's blue eyes sparkled at his doting husband as he slowly sipped the water. Tears still streaked down Yuuri's cheeks as he watched. Victor reached up and cupped one in his palm, his question coming out in a rasp, "Love, are you ok?"

Yuuri burst out laughing, his eyes crinkling at the corners in mirth, "Really? You are the one in the hospital bed and you are asking me that?"

Victor hummed as Yuuri leaned into his touch, "I remember heading to the river for our picnic but nothing after until I saw you crying next to me."

Yuuri put the drink down and took Victor's hand again, "We were heading to the river when another SUV ran a light, they hit your side and you hit your head. You have been in a coma for a few days now… They said you would come out of it but I was so worried! You were so still and… you know my anxiety…I thought…maybe…you'd wake up and you wouldn't remember me…or worse…"

"Oh my Yuuri…l could never forget you," Victor chose to ignore the other thoughts that surely Yuuri's anxiety had supplied him with in favor of comforting his husband.

Yuuri's face lit up in a smile, "I love you Vitya."

"And I love you too my solnyshko," Victor respond with all of his heart.

* * *

 _A/N: I CAN'T DO UNHAPPY WITH THESE TWO! I almost didn't write this because it hurts me to make such a sad story for them._

 _But, it was all a coma dream so Victor is ok, Yuuri is ok, and they will live happily ever after growing old and grey together!_

 _Also…I am so sorry about it being an insane amount of time since I last wrote anything for Caught in Eros. I never meant for it to stop but at the time I lost my doggie then I had some life things, and by the time I was able to write again it just wasn't working. I do want to finish it but I have no eta on when a new chapter will come. Thanks to everyone who did read it and those who have subscribed to it. I hope one day to be able to mark it as complete._

 _Dorogoy – darling in Russian (or so says google)  
moya lyubov - my love  
solnyshko – little sun_

 _._


End file.
